God is Good: Gifts of Grace & Gratitude

I grew up Catholic! I was baptized in Peru and completed my first communion and confirmation in Brooklyn, NY. It was part of what I had to do as a Catholic and, staying on track with my sacraments as a kid was important for my future marriage. At least, that's what I was told when I asked my parents why I had to keep attending catechism classes.

When I was young, I never imagined getting married, but I knew it was expected that I would someday. It was not something I ever dreamt about or even thought about at all. Perhaps, that's because I knew early on that I was different. Then, as a teen, I confirmed for myself that I was the kind of different that couldn't get married and the sacraments I'd been forced to do made me feel false and wrong and dirty; the opposite of pure and sacred and divine.

You see, I'm queer, and it was the 90s; still decades away from Marriage Equality becoming a reality. Now, to be fair, the anti-queer rhetoric wasn't constant largely because I didn't go to church as often as I was supposed to, but I heard enough to get the message. The church made it clear that I was NOT welcome there. True love and acceptance from the Catholic Church wasn't in the cards; so, as soon as I could, I was done with it! After all, it was done with me first.

I never got married in a church and, for many people, particularly religious folx, my civil marriage wasn't real because it wasn't between 'a man and a woman.' I know many people still feel this way because we have tons of legislation on queue that target and negatively impact the LGBTQIA+ community.

Heck, just this week, Tennessee introduced another bigoted bill to appease homophobic folx in the state. What's mind-blowing to me is how, but for an ammendment they introduced after some backlash, that same bill would have legalized child marriage. Yet, somehow, we're supposed to believe that Republicans care the most about the children when they do this kind of stuff? The audacity to claim moral superiority is truly beyond comprehension.

Now, before Obergefell v. Hodges changed the law of the land and after years of fighting for my right to marry in the various states I lived, I ended it up doing the deed in Baltimore the year Maryland made same-sex marriage legal. It was 2013 and a big deal for me! I was happy, but neither the happiness nor the marriage would last.

I, like nearly 50% of those who get married, got divorced. It was devastating for me on many levels. Even though I wasn't raised in a strict and hyper Catholic household, the messaging somehow still sunk in. Divorce remains a grave offense to those most devoted and it made me wonder if and how Catholic people who are in bad marriages or who get divorced still end up justifying certain religious stances when they've gotten a taste of the intolerance themselves. Do many of them, like me, leave their religion or just make peace with the hypocrisy of its tenets and practices?

I happen to be one of the lucky few who have two parents who remain happily married, which is great. But that also contributed to me feeling like a total failure. I mean, I hadn't wanted the divorce, but in retrospect it was for the best. It was just a big blow to my heart and to my ego.

It took my divorce, which coincided with the election of the former guy and the collapse of my career, for me to hit rock-bottom. I was lost! I felt hurt, abandoned, and ANGRY!! I did not feel like I had much fight left in me because I didn't feel worthy. I was tumbling down a spiral of self-loathing and self-sabotage and ultimately I crashed! But it was all this 'failure' and 'pain' that propelled me to search for and find my way back to spirit.

Thankfully, I had and have the unwavering support and love of my family. My sister and my parents were there for me. More for them than for me, in the beginning, I started to search for and let the light back in. I stopped fighting the darkness within me and chose to accept it; to work with it and through it rather than deny it. There was a lot of resistance in the beginning, but little by little I let go of it. My spiritual journey was beckoning me.

Travel was a big part of my spiritual journey and my recovery from RAGE and RESENTMENT; it was both a conduit to and sustenance for my spirit. It offered me connection and perspective that sometimes is lost when you remain in one place with the same people for too long. My view of the world and the universe became more expansive and I began to see myself as an integral part of this here and now.

As I read and listened to all types of spiritual content and explored different religious dogma and faith practices, I began to find what most resonated with me. And it wasn't Catholicism or any one religion. Instead, I found that I resonated with certain aspects of all religions in spite of their rejection of me. But rather than pulling me further away from religious people, exploring my spiritual self made me feel more connected to those who take very different political and dogmatic stances.

I began to understand that for many, religion offers order, structure, and comfort. Organized religion doesn't do that for me, but my own form of spirituality definitely did and does. It's the only thing that helps me makes sense of the darkness in me - my world - the world. No, I have not found all the answers, but I learned to tune into peace and happiness again.

Through meditation and prayer, I found the gifts of grace and gratitude and learned to apply them specifically when engaging with people I disagree with or topics I once misunderstood. It's not always easy and I don't alway get it right, but moving through life offering myself and others grace and being genuinely grateful for everything I experience is a million times better than getting caught up in the mess of life.

The GOD others have conjured up may judge me and damn me for being me, but that's not my god. My GOD is GOOD because GOD is within ME! I am a vessel through which good thoughts, feelings, and actions manifest. I am an instrument of GOD because I am an instrument of GOOD. And the GOD in me sees the GOD in you.