Purcell Gowie, Jr. was one of my high school besties. He and I went to our Senior prom together as friends.
Back then in Brooklyn, while at John Dewey High School, we were two "bisexual" teens who could count on each other for acceptance and love. Purcell was my one and only gay friend in those days and when we were together, we each felt a bit more safe. At least, I did, because I wasn't alone anymore. I wasn't the only one.
Purcell and I crossed paths early in our queer journey. We were both the children of immigrant parents. His family is Jamaican and mine is Peruvian. He was born in the states and I was born in Lima, Peru, but we both shared the experience of straddling worlds and contending with growing up to be someone the world kept insisting we should not be; it was clear to each of us that our very existence threatened others.
Each of us did our best to stay safe in our spaces and I gather that we made strides as many times as we failed at holding space for ourselves - being true and authentic where ever we went. I lost touch with my dear friend and that is something I can't help but regret since he was taken so young and under such violent circumstances. I grieve his death still; he was the first person I knew and loved wholeheartedly who passed. And he left us so tragically in the uniquely American way so many people die today - he was killed with a gun! He's now part of the statistics that showcase the epidemic of gun violence in this country! This makes me want to rage, which I do sometimes. But I'm here to honor his life!
He's my first Angelito! He leaves behind a loving partner; his name is Paul! I don't know him at all, but I pray for him and keep him in my thoughts. I know Purcell lives on in him; in his memories, just as he lives on in mine. I loved him when he was alive and although our time together was shorter than I wish it had been, I will forever cherish it! I love him still; he's with me now. Forget him, I cannot!
Purcell, was my first queer friend!! Our friendship meant a lot more than I ever gave it credit when I was young. But, I've come to realize years later that he's the reason why I will always love and adore gay men. The more a gay man reminds me of him, the more I want to hug him.
Now, gay men drive me crazy sometimes, mostly in ways they, too, buy into the patriarchy and sometimes forget about the rest of us when they benefit from their maleness putting them on top. But they, like me and many others in the world, struggle with the same toxic masculinity that pervades our sensibilities and keeps us from seeing how we are doing harm to ourselves and humanity. Maybe we bonded over having challenging relationships with our fathers and very strong connections with our mothers; that was part of it, I'm sure, but there was so much more.
Purcell's laugh was infectious. He was kind and dancer. I loooooove dancers and kind people can be hard to find. He had opinions about things and although I didn't get to see it fully manifest myself, I knew he was a romantic. I could tell because his heart, like mine, longed to love and to be loved in return. I miss my dear, Purcell!
The day I tried to reach back out to him back in early 2020, there was an article that came out about him being killed just days earlier. It was mere days since I got the urge to reach out and I was too late. I missed hearing his voice and seeing his face one last time. That breaks my heart.
But I take solace in knowing he's still with me and that me thinking about him means the love he gave to me and all those he touched in his life carries on and fills this world with goodness. Purcell died being himself, a brilliant helper. A helper is who he was and he was willing to take risks to protect and uplift his fellow human beings who needed a hand. He wasn't a bystander, but he was innocent alright. He had such a good heart! He was concerned for others; heck, he was a social worker. So, it makes sense that he would run to help rather than turn a blind eye and run the other way. Purcell was a beautiful MAN!!!
I can't change the past or make him come back, but I can honor his life every day by finding ways to go on being my whole authentic self and not lose faith in humanity even when it lets me down.
So, Purcell, know that you left your indelible mark in me and although you're not here, I carry you with me on the rest of my journey. I know you can see, from wherever you now are, that kids like us now grow up healthier and braver then we ever could have imagined. The struggle remains; people still hate!! But friendships like ours help grow our sense of peace and build our collective POWER!!
I will NEVER forget you! Rest in peace and power, Purcell! I love you!
